You know how it is, right, ladies? You know a guy for a while. You hang out with him. You do fun things with him—play video games, watch movies, go hiking, go to concerts. You invite him to your parties. You listen to his problems. You do all this because you think he wants to be your friend.
But then, then comes the fateful moment where you find out that all this time, he’s only seen you as a potential girlfriend. And then if you turn him down, he may never speak to you again. This has happened to me time after time: I hit it off with a guy, and, for all that I’ve been burned in the past, I start to think that this one might actually care about me as a person. And then he asks me on a date.
I tell him how much I enjoy his company, how much I value his friendship. I tell him that I really want to be his friend and to continue hanging out with him and talking about our favorite books or exploring new restaurants or making fun of avant-garde theatre productions. But he rejects me. He doesn’t answer my calls or e-mails; if we’d been making plans to do something before this fateful incident, these plans mysteriously fail to materialize. (This is why I never did get around to seeing the Hunger Gamesmovie. Not to name any names, but thanks a lot, Tom.) Later, when I run into him at social events, our conversations are awkward and lukewarm. This is because the moment we met, he put me in the girlfriend-zone, and now he can’t see me as friend material.
I must say that I find this really unfair. I mean, I’m a nice girl. I have a lot to offer as a friend, like not being a douchebag and stuff. But males just don’t want to be friends with nice girls like me. They can’t help it, I guess; it’s just how they’re wired, biologically. Evolution conditioned our male hominid ancestors to seek nice girls as mates and form friendship bonds only with the other dudes that they hunted mammoths with. It’s true—I know this because I studied hominids in my fifth-grade science class.
So what’s the answer? Should I take up mammoth-hunting in an attempt to appeal to the friendship centers of men’s primal lizardbrains? Should I keep making guy “friends” and then prevent them from making a move on me by subtly undermining their self-confidence? Should I just give up on those manipulative, game-playing, two-faced bastards once and for all? I don’t know. I mean, I’d really like to have a true friendship with a guy someday, but it’s so hard to trust and respect them when they never say what they mean—and you never know when you might be relegated to the girlfriend-zone.
Ok, so this is hilarious and true, obvs. I especially like the way it explores the fact that those who complain of being friendzoned always place the onus on the woman.
But, and now I’m going to say something that will likely piss off many people, I don’t think every person who can’t continue a friendship after being rejected as a mate wasn’t really your friend. Sometimes they genuinely care about their friend but find continuing the friendship too painful because of their unrequited crush. Sometimes they’re deceptive dickheads who only care about seeing your genitals. The intent of the person when they enter the relationship matters.
I actually found this at Reddit, in the cringepics sub. This guy is all nice, except he don’t want no ugly and/or fat chicks. The upside of this is that he got called on it and after digging his hole deeper decides to lock it up.
Blue and Dark Gray I want to buy beers for.
Some of the Reddit comments also made it for me:
“What’s that? Someone retaliated with valid points and I have no retort? Time to put a lid on this thread.”
I don’t understand: “I won’t date ugly chicks but girls are sooooo shallow and care too much about how a guy looks.”
Double standards, how I love thee when applied to Nice Guys. This thread is sadly going on right now on my own facebook. I really want to help the guy since he’s a childhood friend but he’s getting to be a lost cause.
And from the submitter:
I saved this facebook permalink back in 2009 and only found it again recently. As far as I know he’s still single and a virgin.
I am the middle of three boys and we are all in our 20s. Our parents separated shortly after my younger brother was born and eventually they went through a bitter divorce. Recently, my father, brothers, and I went to a camping-style family wedding together. The facilities were spartan and we all ended up in a communal shower. I’m sure this was the first time all four of us were naked together, and it was certainly the first time I’d seen my younger brother naked since he was little. In the shower, there was a definite “one of these things is not like the other” moment. While my older brother, dad, and myself have fairly similar, if modest, endowments, my younger brother’s male parts were noticeably different (and “better”) than ours in almost every way possible: size, shape, even complexion (!). It was like seeing a great white whale breaching alongside dolphins. None of us look strikingly like our parents, but we are clearly brothers, except for this newly discovered alien appendage on my younger brother. At the reception, my older brother brought this up to me immediately, and we worked out the theory that mom had an affair that gave rise to my baby brother, and his decidedly different genitalia, and the divorce. I don’t think full brothers could have such variation, and the fact that my younger brother’s package is a definite upgrade plays into the theory that maybe mom was shopping around for a better deal. We’d really like to get to the bottom of this, but we’re not sure how to broach this already difficult topic with either parent when our only evidence consists of this sensitive observation.
—No Ahab Dear No Ahab,
Your younger brother’s giant, beautiful penis, which you had no choice but to stare at and later discuss at length (YSWIDT?) with your sibling over chicken marsala at the celebration of a couple’s lifelong partnership, is nigh irrefutable proof that your mom cheated on your father, because let’s be real, what woman wouldn’t love a big, pink schlong more than she values marriage? The most important thing you can do in your life right now is try to solve the mystery of where your brother got his prodigious and sublime dick. Imagine how well you’ll sleep knowing that your brother’s magnificent, tremendous member is the result of infidelity, and not a random happenstance of genetics. Parents long to be asked about the circumstances of bitter divorces, all the more so when it involves ascertaining the size and shape of genitalia. The happiest families are those which are unafraid to talk about the hard stuff. Like, for example, your brother’s dick, which is so gorgeous. Don’t try to get to the bottom of this situation. Get to the tip of it.
When I read this I choked harder than I would have if I’d tried to deep throat his kid brother. If only the phrase “magical unicorn boner” had been used somewhere in the letter or the reply.
From a distance that looks like a picture of a pile of shit. I can’t even think of anything snarky to say. Women need a man to carry them through life because they’re so weak! We wimminfolk iz such chaidz. So simple dat we need grunt talk. Me poke stick in bawdee hoe. Crai. Hurt.
From the submitter:
This is one of those rare posts that makes me nauseous and scrambles my brains. I feel like I’m standing at a busy intersection dumbfounded after seeing an accident. Where am I? And how do I get away from this bad place?
There are loads more of these “inspirational” pictures at the site noted in the post, but I didn’t pass those along because no one should view that much idiocy in one sitting.
I have a problem. My friend just spent a year after college here in Athens working and I’m afraid he’s going to move away, worse, I’m afraid he’s going to move to be with his girlfriend who moved out of town for grad school. His girlfriend is…
Jodi Arias, is that you? Someone had the balls (and utter lack of self-awareness) to send this delightful morsel into an advice column. Delectable. :
I have a problem. My friend just spent a year after college here in Athens working and I’m afraid he’s going to move away, worse, I’m afraid he’s going to move to be with his girlfriend who moved out of town for grad school. His girlfriend is terrible, she gets viciously jealous and never wants us hanging out just because he’s cheated on her with me in the past—I’m talking way back when, like a year ago. I feel like she should really be over it by now if she trusts him at all. Also, I’ve noticed that she’s cool with him hanging out with female friends, just not me—this feels like a personal attack and I don’t feel that that’s warranted against me. Right after he and I hooked up and she lived in town I understood why she wasn’t a fan of our amazing friendship (it’s clearly way chilled out compared to her), but time has past and she doesn’t even live here anymore. I don’t think she should have control over our friendship and I think she’s going to use the idea of cheap rent, a new city and domesticity to lure him away from me and his job in Athens. I could understand him moving for a better job or for grad school but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And before you try to jump on my case about having feelings for him, let me just say: he and I are sexually attracted to each other, it’s painfully clear, and the only reason I haven’t hooked up with him again (which I could definitely do) is because I know that she’ll try to keep him from seeing me. Yes, I would date him, yes, I think about it all the time, and yes I enjoy the power struggle, but at the bottom of it all I just don’t want to lose him to his crazy girlfriend.
The columnist delievered an epic smackdown for which it’s worth clicking through. But it neglected to mention the fact that the girlfriend should dump his ass after he leaves his job and relocates. Please let this happen.