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One poem to destroy all the rhyme, rhythm, and meter. 

One poem to destroy all the rhyme, rhythm, and meter. 

I fell into a burning ring of fire…

Clarity Ring of Fire

I am pleased to present this Clarity Ring of Fire to englishonlooker and Fahnette for snark, and rants, well conceived, crafted, and executed. 

englishonlooker wrote this comment to translate the incoherent, unintelligible mess found in this post:

As a British intellectual on a break for the summer, I deemed interpreting this my challenge for the day; I believe the origins of the language they are conversing in to be Nordic…either way, here is a translated summary for those less blessed in translating prowess:
Black: Alas and alack, I have nought but hope for mine future!
Orange: Darling, what foul cretinous tidings be? Surely no more foul than the maiden occupying your screen! Remove her!
Black: I fear that is a tad hypocritical!
Grey &  Brown: Such misfortune! May we be made aware of the nature of your adversity, so that we may vanquish the perpetrator?
Orange: Nay; I fear this is a private matter betwixt myself and my beloved…I put it to you that you are a pair of vile poltroons!
Grey: You, young maiden, are likely to have a multitude of venereal diseases!
Brown: I concur!
Black: Begone, foul fiends! Grey, I for one am highly suspicious of your “with child” status; I was lead to believe you favoured the furry fountain over the phallic mountain - therefore, how the devil could thine egg hath been fertilised…?
Brown: I care not for you nor thy concubine.

Fahnette concocted this little rant in response to the guy who referred to his girlfriend as “my female”:

"Female" is a biological construct.

We are women.  We belong only to ourselves.  This is not fucking Gilead, you addlepated dickwaffle.  I’m not going about in red and referring to myself as OfFahnz, you bleating douchecanoe.  Oh, you probably think “spread em bitch” is foreplay and you’re a master of the thirty second pump-and-dump technique because after all, you’ve got more important things to do like…well, I don’t know what and I don’t want to know, you flaming torchsack.  But if you keep referring to your significant other as “your” female I can guaran-godsdamn-tee she will continue to maintain friendships with her exes just to spite your sorry possessive ass, you dripping pigcock.  I fucking cannot stand men like you who willingly go along with patriarchal relationship claims because it makes you feel like you’re in control. And everyone knows that you bought her a phone so you could keep track of her and who she talks to because you don’t feel like you’re man enough to maintain her interest. That’s right, you odoriferous bag of cow stool, we are ONTO YOU.  And from the sound of it, so is your girlfriend.

2shay.

It’s STFU, Couples first anniversary! I picked up the blog one year ago today, and renamed it STFU, Couples soon after. Well, I renamed the blog two months later. I was busy, alright?
I’d like to thank all of you for submitting, commenting, and reading. The community here is a special place and it’s the only reason I wanted to resurrect “the discarded hooker that is  STFU, Marrieds." 
But there’s a small group of people* who were integral to the relaunch and to whom I owe special thanks. Some of them are still around, and some of them not so much. Without them there wouldn’t have been any reason to continue the blog, and without their support I couldn’t have made it through the early days where the criticism was rampant, each post was trolled to the max, and I hadn’t smoothly transitioned from commenter to blogger.
So, this Clarity Ring of Fire goes out to all of you. There are no words to express my appreciation.  In alphabetical order: AdalynLeigh (even though you are mostly wrong about MoveOn.org), Alabrat, Catloaf, Ceebs, Chestylarue, Clee02128, Completelyunacceptable, Esmeweatherwax, Ellamennopea, Fahnette (who unearthed the Clarity Ring on the interwebz), Fraulein N, Gnauty (who created the STFU, Couples avatar), Goldfinch, HadHas, I Know Karate, Jl88, Justcallmeanna, K350, Kit_for_Kat, Kwisatzhaderach, Ladygriffon, Marc Jacobs barbie,  Meg from the Future, Meg P, Momof2Boys aka Momo aka Mo², Polishsausage, Popesuburban, Puppyfluff, RP, Saynotoguyliner, TerranNytefyer, Tvelociraptor, Vany, Virgo79, Vivian, and Yoginiamy. 

ILY (please don’t get a restraining order),
Pixie
*Most of us hung out at a chat board outside of Tumblr. It’s rather a ghost town now, but if anyone is interested I’m happy to give you the link if the board’s creator, MJB, doesn’t mind.

It’s STFU, Couples first anniversary! I picked up the blog one year ago today, and renamed it STFU, Couples soon after. Well, I renamed the blog two months later. I was busy, alright?

I’d like to thank all of you for submitting, commenting, and reading. The community here is a special place and it’s the only reason I wanted to resurrect “the discarded hooker that is STFU, Marrieds." someecards.com - Thank God for idiots!! We owe our happiness to your stupidity.

But there’s a small group of people* who were integral to the relaunch and to whom I owe special thanks. Some of them are still around, and some of them not so much. Without them there wouldn’t have been any reason to continue the blog, and without their support I couldn’t have made it through the early days where the criticism was rampant, each post was trolled to the max, and I hadn’t smoothly transitioned from commenter to blogger.

So, this Clarity Ring of Fire goes out to all of you. There are no words to express my appreciation.  In alphabetical order: AdalynLeigh (even though you are mostly wrong about MoveOn.org), Alabrat, Catloaf, Ceebs, Chestylarue, Clee02128, Completelyunacceptable, Esmeweatherwax, Ellamennopea, Fahnette (who unearthed the Clarity Ring on the interwebz), Fraulein N, Gnauty (who created the STFU, Couples avatar), Goldfinch, HadHas, I Know Karate, Jl88, Justcallmeanna, K350, Kit_for_Kat, Kwisatzhaderach, Ladygriffon, Marc Jacobs barbie,  Meg from the Future, Meg P, Momof2Boys aka Momo aka Mo², Polishsausage, Popesuburban, Puppyfluff, RP, Saynotoguyliner, TerranNytefyer, Tvelociraptor, Vany, Virgo79, Vivian, and Yoginiamy.

someecards.com - If I could adequately express the gratitude I feel, you'd probably consider filing a restraining order against me.

ILY (please don’t get a restraining order),

Pixie

*Most of us hung out at a chat board outside of Tumblr. It’s rather a ghost town now, but if anyone is interested I’m happy to give you the link if the board’s creator, MJB, doesn’t mind.

She’s giving the whole world the finger. Something about that picture screams, “SUCK ON THIS, SINGLETONS!!!!”

Someone needs to show Tyanna my previous post. Weddings aren’t the be-all end-all. Some people have these things called careers. Other people have hobbies, outside interests, and passions outside of their SOs.

A hideous ring? For me‽ You shouldn’t have!

I would be super-pissed if I had to pretend to like that ring every day of my life. The ire and disgust would rot all that was good and wholesome in me, and I would eventually become the most frightening Uber-Cunt to ever go on a hyper-critical rampage. Like the video below.

From the submitter:

This gem of a status about how much people like her ring made me nearly vomit… Maybe it’s just me, but it is fugly. It’s way too big and really just ugly. I think the best part is in both the status and on the caption she mentions how great he did picking it out “all by himself”. I never noticed before how much she treats him like a child.

Zombie eyes. Starlight Symphony. Partay. Dan-Rae Collage… Overload. They’re married now. You know, the post-it tat? He’s gotten one to match hers. Maybe someone should have sent them a whiteboard, a box of post-its, a chalkboard, and a gross of date-books as a wedding gift. I think we have some competition for the most arrogant and unbearable couple ever.

More Rae-rae and Dan.

Unintentional irony: don’t let this happen to you.

I’m certain that ignorant people who inflict their stupidity upon the world via FB really make Missy’s life a hassle - including the one with whom she lives. I’m also 99.9% sure that her comment is a swipe at one of Randy’s numerous baby-mamas, or some other brand of “haterz who want 2 tear us apart!”

I wonder if she also complains about people who give their children stupid names that will severely limit their future career opportunities. There are a plethora of doctors, lawyers, biophysicists, and entrepreneurs with the name Sparrow, right? Well, there may be a lot of “entrepreneurs” with the name Sparrow; but they work in the exotic dancing, erotic cinema, or professional escort industries.

There’s a follow up post to come from this classy and NOT AT ALL STUPIOD couple.

*I blotted out all of his other children’s names to protect the innocent, but I left their baby’s name because it was pertinent to the commentary.

This post is in honor of an almost-clot-free-Fahnette. Thparkle, thparkle!

PS - Missy, honey, that ring is fugly. Did Randy find it at a WalMart clearance sale? No disrespect, just sayin’, and bless your heart.

With those baby-making hips he should find both pregnancy and labor very easy. You straddle that tree and show it who’s boss.

More Rae-rae and Dan.

Tumblr is holding all of my queued posts hostage. This wasn’t what I had scheduled for today, and the posts may be fewer and further between because of the Tumblr s.n.a.f.u. Those posts had better reappear, that’s all I have to say. *shakes fist*

Come on, Bear, you’re using the wrong finger. Mark clearly deserves the middle one.

We should all aspire to be more like Rachel. She’s so inspirational. Next time you have to make a decision, ask yourself, “WWRD?” Then you can run out and post approximately 1 million artsy and “romantic” photos on FB, after you’ve gotten a regrettable and narcissistic tattoo. She’s really redefined what it means to be a Bridezilla. Way to set the bar, Rae-rae.

More to come…

From the submitter:

Amongst the hundreds of pictures of their engagement- that’s right, you are seeing correctly- she has tattooed her wedding date onto her arm with the words “a day to remember”. This happened MONTHS before the actual wedding has taken place… (It’s now the first of September). Maybe when she get’s divorced she can laser it to say ‘a day to forget’.
 
The ring is also on a golf tee. It think that’s a first for STFU couples. Neither play golf or have any affiliation to the sport.
 
There’s pictures of them in bed. Condescending comments about marriage to lowly singles. Strange poems. A shrine to him at her 21st birthday party. And a collage of the two together.
Everything you need for a STFU post.
 
They’ve only been together several months and she’s only 21. For their honeymoon they are going to a Muse concert.
 
I have much much more if you need it!